Not missing

While I've been back a bit longer then what appeared, I am officially back in written word form. There is a ton to blog about, review, etc, but this update is merely a formal progress update. When I last broached the subject I was nearing completion within the grasp of three segment rewrites and an epilogue. As it stands those numbers remain the same but the words have drastically changed.

While this is not accurate to the letter due to cuts, chops, rewrites, etc, but I am within the final three pages of my rewrite. Epilogue still remains...

Even so I want to forecast publishing the work very soon. Updates will follow.

In between that time I am having it "looked over/Edited" by a "non professional" but very intelligent individual. I believe that will take place this weekend or next. I know all this squeezes every time frame I've ever posted and I do apologize for that. I really should've been more aware of my ability and the time investment.

As for reviews, I have a couple in mind but I also may just do an actual compilation/short list.

-Rossini 

Taking a short break from the blog (July 19-26)

Only for a week while I get my affairs in order. Taking some time for my birthday and other sad celebrations. I reckon I won't be home very much anyways.

When I last posted I mentioned a conclusion. It is still a work in progress. I'll admit the seven page/about 2000 page rewrite I did on Thursday spurred on a lot of positivity. It didn't all carry over into the weekend but I did get a segment and a half finished. I'll speak more on this in the coming week.

Till then, adieus Vacant World. I'll see ya in a week.

-Rossini

Almost finished (A-V-W Story)

I apologize that I may have went movie crazy recently. Never was my intention just trying to keep the blog updated. Since that doesn't really appear to always matter or help anything I figure I'll at least drop another pertinent update (IE story relevant) and go from there.


Rather then offer any more percentages I will now just say this. I'm literally THREE rewritten segments and a epilogue away from finishing what should be the total overhaul. Granted I know there are a couple mistakes I must rectify but all in due time. I feel that one good weekend (such as this one coming) and I'll have it wrapped up.


I also realize that trying to maintain this blog may be self defeating towards this project. I'm seriously feeling the need to possibly drop it for a couple days/week in order to finish this work and then come back with the good news. I've not yet decided if that is what I will ultimately do but it is possible and probably warranted.


Also I know I dropped the ball with my 999 game review. That is absolutely unacceptable and I apologize for that. I really haven't went back to finish the "good" ending thus why I didn't feel like I was ready to flesh out an opinion. But it is just that. An opinion. And its a damn fine game. I recommend it to everyone, even dogs if they could play/comprehend the material.


Thanks for hanging in there. I hope the wait was worth it and will look forward to after this weekend, I WILL have a solid date of TOTAL COMPLETION/PUBLISHING. I'm actually looking forward to all the hate I'll receive over this one. I'm very reluctant to believe it any good. But at least I rest easy knowing its better today then it was yesterday and for that, we're all thankful.


-Rossini


 (Minor side note. I feel that my Genetic review post may have come off strongly one way or another. I'm sort of afraid that the opening paragraph may affect or have affected viewership. Understand the review clears up those words pretty quickly so for anyone who hasn't read it and thought I gushed, read it. I didn't. As for those who felt I was too harsh. I didn't feel it. I truly didn't. I enjoyed it but I didn't feel it like some folks. Again just a matter of opinion and I felt compelled to express those thoughts.) 

The Genetic Review

      Occasionally there are certain movies/books/games/albums/etc that radically change the playing field. When one finds these holy relics they tend to cling to said object of creativity and never let go. Well the same can be said of another type of story. Such a story that legend of its name is only famous to those that dwell within its shadow. And those who don't strike it down as an infamous pile of crap. As such reviewing Cult movies can be treading upon thin line.

Repo! The Genetic Opera is (supposedly) such a tale. Not quite sublime, not quite terrible. It stands between. And here I feel it is best observed.

The Premise is simple. An epidemic of organ failure arises in the not so distant future. A company, GeneCo, singlehandedly cures this plight by developing and offering replacement organs. However there is a catch. If you default on your contract they'll send out a Repo-man who will recover GeneCo's property one cut at a time.

       Both stylized in a cross between "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" and "Blade-Runner" with a dash of "Saw" ultimately results in a mesh of glorified cleaved intestines and rock opera. The visualization itself is dramatic and deliberately morose. While I wouldn't quite call it unique in scope or picture (think any old sci-fi movie and then mix in some old world thought/sights) it does prove to be a great contrast different then the modern mainstream. And most importantly these scenes of a dismal future work great within the context of the movie.

Being a musical (Rock Opera) as it is, dialog is at a premium. Obviously the story and presentation is mostly drawn through song but at other times Narration can be provided by a single character or through what looks to be a comic book.

     Thankfully most of the music in the movie is quite good offering memorable lyrics that will easily outlive the movie's one hour forty minute run time. But there is one down side. While the songs do provide much needed levity to situations they also tend to drag depending on the actor/actress. For example, I personally found some performances (Paul Sorvino, as GeneCo's unscrupulous president, sounded like he was sing-talking at times, Bill Moseley, as one of his two scheming sons, was just so-so) to be lifeless and/or boring such as the case when Alexa Vega (Shilo) does her youth revolt solo.

I'd say eighty to ninety percent of the music was worth hearing. Sarah Brightman (Blind Mag) and Anthony Head (Nathan/Repo-man) steal most of the spotlight. The Grave Robber (Terrance Zdunch) does his thing adding narration and catchy tunes along the way. Even Paris Hilton doesn't totally **** up her role, albeit the small vain role that it is.

      Still, I feel the truth behind this opera's curtains that compiles most of the movie's presentation (be it narration, song, look, story, etc) is neither as original (as presumed by followers) nor is it as fulfilling as believed to be. Too much of the screen time feels like exposition, too many of the characters feel flat or useless and (although certainly intended) one dimensional with absolutely non existent growth. Furthermore I felt hard pressed to be actually interested in any one character enough to care about their future. Yes I felt bad for Nathan and his daughter Shilo but certainly never to the degree that the conclusion would have you tearing hair out in suspense. Which, among other notable things I forgot to mention, the story is fairly predictable.

       In the end I feel as if from the very onset I was trying to see something in Repo! that simply was either not there or I didn't grasp the lens to fully see it. Still, I do strongly feel that everyone interested in alternate tales or movies in general should see this film. It does provide an enjoyable tale of love, hate and revenge amongst other more obvious things. I should however warn anyone whose stomach is queasy around the sight of blood that this one has scenes of "intense gore". Not necessarily on par with your B rated slasher or craptastic Saw seven hundred and forty two but fairly heavy gore nevertheless. Prepare accordingly.

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3/5 stars (Above average)(Recommended)
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There will be no updates today (July 12th)

    Shortly after the posting yesterday my house lost power. Its since been down till about now and I've just not the energy or time to bother trying to fix a half broken review. It will sit in drafts until tomorrow. I apologize for this inconvenience but thankfully there is always tomorrow to look forward to.

And yes I did continue editing on the story during the outage. It was done with pen and pencil on lined sheet paper. Very relaxing method indeed. No electronic distractions. Course word processors are much easier to use thus why we love them.

Thanks for dropping by and I'm sorry about the mishap. See you tomorrow,

-Rossini

Tiny update (July 11th)

Nothing special to post yet. Just an update on the work for now. After a great weekend I'm nearing about 85% completion. Will keep informed as we move into the week ahead. Will post another review either later today or tomorrow. Stay tuned.

Thanks,
-Rossini

Ninja Assassination (review)

         I remember as a kid that I'd trot though the shadows with the best of them. Silent was I as I snuck between my prey's vision. Only did I ever get caught once as I lunged forward with the grace of a cat. But (sub)urban fatalities can only pose so much interest. I wanted to be the best thus I would need to hunt the best.

When I'd gotten older I found that tricks I once thought paramount were no longer. Ideas I loved no longer held company inside my head. And Ninjas were just a fading memory. A rising balloon set against the blue backdrop. Distant it ever became as the sun engulfed its sight.

         Ninja Assassin is no more then a child's delight. A whimsical fantasy brought to the big screen by a well versed director (James McTeigue) of the arts. But before we dissect the movie let us forbid one ever distant thought from creeping back up upon us. Ninja Assassin is no Shakespeare.

The story is entirely superficial. It merely guides us along and fits into place as needed. There are no -gasp!- moments of shocking revelation. No twist ending. No analogies or fluff. There are ninjas, their actions to and against, and some intermission/prelude where pointless side characters talk amongst themselves while the real meat hides inside the shadows. Waiting.

Think Transformers (as the contrast) except with less Shia Lapuke and more ninjas.


        What happens, how it happens, why it happens, all truly pointless in the eyes of destruction. And believe you me these ninjas destroy with vengeance. The main character, Raizo, played by pop artist "Rain" (see his other work for comparison such as Chan-Wook Park's "I'm a cyborg, but that's OK") has all the right tools (literally) to dismantle foes with ease. Being orphaned as a wee child, adopted by a family of strict assassins and then outcast just as quickly, Raizo wages a one man (/ninja) war against the clan that bore him.

As I said, it works and you ain't here to see no story telling perfection.

                  You're here for the fight. Nothing else. And needless to say what a fight Raizo puts on. From the expected ninja assassinations (such as the one in the early going. Step into shadow/blade comes out, etc) to the outdoor chase scenes, to the warehouse cluster****. The choreography is flawless alongside the swift cameras/special effects. Visually the movie stands out fairly well.

I said earlier this movie is like a "child's delight" but make no mistake this is no children's movie. The gore is constant (well... except the hiatus the movie takes right after the beginning) and brutal. Folks get sliced and diced in many differing angles and leave four, five, maybe six buckets of blood for every tiny gash.

Which walks me back into my final point. While the film is gory (there is no denying that) most is portrayed with almost comical amounts of ketchup that is at best somewhat silly looking CGI. Think Three Hundred and then multiple the silliness. I mean the actual content is wince worthy but the blood is simply outrageous. (Read: this is not a complaint or a bad thing. Merely an observation)

                  Ultimately Ninja Assassination completes what it sets out to do. It has its illogical or magical attributes (literally). And the story is about as well groomed as a Michael Bay flick but it all works out in the end. You enter for entertainment of blood and leave satisfied. Don't expect the Matrix because -o.m.g. The Wachowski name! -  this is not. And to another point, stop gushing to the point of no returns. Speed Racer was a good movie also bearing such a banner but it simply was overlooked (like McTeigue) because some people simply cannot get past themselves. Hell V for Vendetta was another (actually helmed by McTeigue) that was well captured on screen (although the book still remained better me thinks).

But I digress. If you search for anything else (then explicitly stated), don't bother, disregard this review and go back to your original programming.
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3/5 Stars
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Thank you and goodnight,
-Rossini

I'm positively fickle

       When it comes down to my writing. Up in the morning, up at night. I'm a little coo coo for cocoa puffs if you catch my drift. See, everyday that I awake and tussle open my eyelids, is another day that I remind myself that I am here. Err let me explain that one again.

As I awake I tend to overhear one very quirky line. Only it isn't me that speaks. Its a voice inside my head filtered through that of a character I once created a very long time ago. He speaks to me at times but only when I am alone. His dry, unrefined dialog creeps out like that of a robot.

"Welcome back"

         For a brief moment that is all I hear. His voice slithers back into the shadows of my foggy mind and I slowly realize that I've awoken to a new day. I'll roll over in bed, glance at the three, sometimes four, red digits leering back at me and understand what it is I was told.

Then, out of nowhere, I begin to visualize a world not my own. A world encompassed by very ugly things. In it I begin to wonder why I am here, why I would create such a monster, and why it would haunt me day in and day out, morning through night. Was it possible that my brain had become so ruined that I'd not the clue as to what it was doing?

         In retrospect I realize that I was simply too attached to my training wheels. When I was a child I loved the idea of not falling down. I figured if I stay upright then I'll never get hurt. Never gash my knees or break an arm. Hell I'd beaten gravity. It should've been the greatest day of my life.

Now and then is so much alike. Past and present. Future and Past. Present, past and future all knead into the same doughy ball. What becomes of it I've no idea. But I can't wait to take off my training wheels. I can't wait until this story is finished; crash and burn be damned. For when I complete my task I will have released this hold. And when I do I'm bringing back an old character I once thought dead.

To him I'll say.

"Welcome back old friend"

-Rossini


[News and notes: Will update soon. Nothing too immediate to report. Possible second update later today]

My biggest gripe(s) with DLC

Okay before we begin let us please set aside our virtual axes, pitch forks and logs of fire. We aren't about to burn the house Microsoft/Sony/Nintendo has built on their respective Home Console systems. We'll ignore their bitter cousin for a moment (PC) and simply examine the main trouble I that run into with each and every game/game addon every other day.

Issue #1

Ownership. Yes the number one issue with downloading a game is actual ownership. Again we'll ignore the fact that numerous phones/tablets to date (IE Apple Iphone) get away with charging real money and in return offer you something that is not only invisible but impossible to touch.

But this is common sense. Everyone in the world knows it yet I still hear the complaint. Is it valid? Yes. Is it alterable in any way? No, probably not. So what can developers/producers do to soften the blow of our real money being eaten by a virtual monster?

Well, for starters, looser restrictions on DRM is the obvious choice. Steam has already paved the way for the digital distribution highway. But let us peer deeper into the hole and realize how they've done it.


Promise

By now, anyone who has ever downloaded, used, or even been to Steam's website has more then likely seen the most important reason they've succeeded on the PC market. Physical computer games are not coveted as is their offspring the console games. And with rampant pirating, torrents, and other means of theft, owning a PC game in a case/box is like owning a music CD.

But still, games we own and games we rent/borrow (or possibly steal) are never the same as our own. What Steam provides is a legitimate way for honest folks to purchase and own (to some extent) content without the worry that one day things will vanish. They do this with a very simple promise. Well actually it is a behemoth sized promise that, if anything ever occurs, could be catastrophic nightmare. Not for players, their purchased content will be safe and able to re-download for a good while. No it would ultimately turn out bad for producers/developers who use Steam to promote sales, independent work, etc etc.

So what else is there but promise when dealing with ownership?


Price

Yes the old nickel and dime scheme repackaged and shoved down our throats in every facet of life. Taxes, finance charges, etc etc. Your cost of living can be nothing short of depressing at times. However our media doesn't have to be. Physical games have been dropping in price for last the few years, most hitting between forty to fifty dollars within a week or two. Majority of stuff will now hit rock bottom within a year. The only games that don't would be more exclusive (Nintendo/Sony) or online focused (CoD).

But what I hadn't discussed above is the second principle of Steam. And that my friends is sales. Real cost reductions, not some silly thirty percent a year later shtick you'll catch on the console market. Games can go for as little as a buck during these sales and please argue that you wouldn't buy Braid for two fifty or Company of Heroes for three just because you'll never see their box art.

The truth is that aside from a promise, price is the major contributor moving forward. For example. On the PSN right now you can purchase the original Prince of Persia Sands of time trilogy for a hefty forty dollars. Or you just finger stroll yourself to Amazon search PoP and grab the set for a few dollars cheaper.

Rule one in this war should be: Virtual games should never equal or surpass the price of Physical media. Period.

While we're on the subject a major disservice has evolved at our thumbs. Content made BEFORE the game ships being cut out and delivered as DLC. And Content made AFTER the game ships being overpriced and stagnant.

We all know how the old saying goes. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

Day One DLC

I'll tackle the first one real quickly. The truth is video game creation is a business. There is no true argument that can pierce holes into the walls of theft that we experience at the hands of these major players. Day one DLC is a joke. It is a serrated stick that is jammed between our butt cheeks as we hold our collective breath and pray. Project ten dollar from EA also falls into this category because, quite frankly, I feel they've been slicing some content in favor of a war they can't hope to win.

So let us move onto more pressing issues that can and must be resolved. Add-on content pricing.

Day Two DLC Pricing (after game ships)

I've heard the argument before that a movie at the theater costs forty dollars for a family of four and that because of this, anything you can buy for fewer then forty dollars now can be instantaneously justified. This is wrong. What people do and how they do it is their own business not mine but referencing one thing and comparing price of another does not an argument make.

See, if I were to compare equal components, I'd start at the source. Compare for a moment a game you love to its add-on. Let's go out on a limb and say you paid anywhere from ten, twenty, to thirty dollars for said game. For sake of time I'll just use Splinter Cell Conviction which I purchased last year at around Christmas time for a slim ten picking.

Okay so I crack open my ten dollar game, removing the plastic and carefully withdraw the disc, and slide it into my system. I play through the campaign (in this case about 5-8 hours long) and grab a bud and sit down for some co-op frenzy. Then I notice to my delight there is down loadable content. Joy! I scream. But upon opening the menu I find only misery. For you see, my ten dollar game has ten dollar DLC.

Let us use another example real quick.

Dante's Inferno, which I also purchased around the same time for about thirteen dollars, has content on the marketplace set at three, three, and five. What you receive in said packs are, one relic/one magic, one relic/magic, an extra character/trial runs/trophies respectively. So for eleven dollars without tax (if charged) you will get two extra relics (gimmicks) two extra magic spells (gimmicks) and a new character/trial runs (somewhat gimmicky).

I paid thirteen dollars and got four, possibly more, times the content that I will receive from this said add-on content. Why? Because add-ons are unfortunately priced to move as a percentage of their big brother/sister. In this case, the sixty dollar price tag. But remember when I said that tag never stayed for very long?

The worst part about this is that for the same price of content for either game I can go purchase one, or two games (if on 50% sale) from the same store that I would purchase the add-on. And believe you me, you'll find more in Beyond Good and Evil HD then you will in that miserable Dante's content.

[Edit: I forgot to mention Online Content as I've no interest in anything for or against it. Due to their innate re-playability cost here is covered by interest. If you like it, its ridiculously good. If you don't, it sucks. Simple as that.]



Day Three Content (As the years pass)

Covering both phases I think it is necessary for me to acknowledge game content that has passed the yearly cycle but still remains the same price. I mean have you ever put in an old game and clicked the blinking button (DLC) and witnessed the albatross that is peering back at you? Would it be so difficult to reduce this content, especially older unused stuff, every so often? I bet if nothing else you'd create more sales.

I'll go one step further and vehemently suggest that this content should slowly depreciated every year  upwards to a dollar.

Price Overall

I think that the digital movement on games (actual arcade games. Not games on demand IE stuff that is both physical and digital) is fine. Five to ten dollars for an actual piece of work is great value. Fifteen dollars is a bit steep in my opinion and really should only be held as an absolute price when necessary (IE if you were delivering a mammoth sized game). Price on the actual content is a joke where its at right now. I think realistically, two to five dollars should be the most ever slapped onto such content that isn't a full blown expansion pack (See Oblivion/Dragon Age). Doing so would provide a much more receptive environment (at least in my opinion).

And things as they were, I didn't even get into the whole Capcom DRM/DLC policy/Paying for useless things like costumes/avatars/clothing for avatars/hats for avatars/and of course, naturally I leapfrogged around paying for benefits (PSN) and the ability to play online (XBL). Those are things that are best kept to the individuals who believe in them. Conversely, I can always come back and rant about such services at a later date.

Just a quick rundown of the services:

Xbox live: Microsoft's digital system can be, at times, what we expect when we speak of strict, almost dictatorship like use of their content. What began with funny money evolved into user restrictions. Granted you can re-download anything as long as they host the servers and you can reclaim property over your content downloaded to different consoles once a year. And everything is tied to your login so migration isn't too troublesome. But things that once were on the marketplace eventually can and will disappear as legal battles, licenses expire, etc, create bubbles in the network. Add in financial pressure and even PC freebies get turned into a pot of points (money) and you soon realize why this growing age is a daunting one.

However Microsoft's network is the most reliable, fastest, and most intertwined (website usage/etc) thus making it very powerful and overall a very good service.


PlayStation Network: Ignoring glaring security issues, the PSN has the most flexible use of content out of the big three. With up to five systems able to register a single account, people have (add or subtract bias opinion regarding the matter) abused such a system for their own gain. But it is the right step forward regardless the opinion as it offers a customer more control over their console/multiple consoles. Whereas MS forces me to keep my gamer profile on a memory stick if I ever want to travel. Plus I can use real currency!

Nintendo Virtual Console/WiiWare: is a joke. Seriously let us just skip past this mess and continue on. No? Well...

Overpriced content? Check.
Sales? Never.
Login tethered to Console. Good luck migrating.
Memory? It was very little till they allowed us usage of a memory card. Now its "ok".
Payment? Well unlike PSN's real currency and MS's funny money, Big N opted for an easy to understand point system. That's a plus I guess.

Final thoughts:

I guess my point is that online content unlike physical content must be more ready to move, not sit there and grow stagnant waiting for a random sale. If any store acted as such they'd be permanently closed for business upon opening. But as I said. Folks are buying these things. They fuel everything with their most prized voice.

Their money.

-Rossini

/.Hopefully I covered everything I intended to./

*Content edited: Snide remarks about Politics/NFL Labor issues/Laws and regulations.
Reason: No reason given.

Sucker Punched

        

          From the movie's onset we open with a song, a montage where the "main character" Baby doll is thrust into one unfortunate circumstance after another ultimately leading her to a mental institute by decree of a murder charge. Once there, things seemingly go from bad to worse as her abusive caretaker (step father) supersedes any right to her freedom and upon his wishes, will use this newly found prison to his discretion. Facing an end of life as she knows it, Baby Doll is given just five days to escape.


Most of the plot isn't quite entirely original. Think something similar to Pan's Labyrinth, Coralline, or Alice in wonderland where the characters would create/find alternate realities where they themselves could rule and oversee their future as something of wonder rather then the incarceration they've been emplaced within. But interestingly enough this doesn't really turn out to be the case right away as she correlates the horrors of the mental ward as a vile brothel. A brothel she has neither entire control over her actions nor the captors/captured. Or does she?

    Whereas most of those tales who've proceeded have had their two alternating worlds (A main and fantasy reality), Sucker punch manages to pull one more out of the hat. Another subconscious dream world that unlike the main two is one hundred percent imagination. To enter such a world she must first perform an exotic dance which captivates and thereby stuns a room full of detainees, the club's personal, and other onlookers. What follows is both real and figurative. To overcome the oppressiveness forthwith she must discover and use a power within herself. A power that will set her and four accompanying girls free.

    But to achieve such a lofty feat Baby Doll and friends will need five things. A map, a knife, fire, a key, and a fifth unknown, veiled as a "deep sacrifice".   

    The movie will often question freedom, escapism, and reality. Perhaps not as well or as clear as certain films (Inception comes to mind for clarity sake at the very least.). It often reserves itself to fulfilling both a thought provoking response and a fetish for action/women in suggestive wear. But I truly think that observing the movie in such a way (as a fetish) is missing the point and quite frankly the reason reviews have suffered and opinions vary. It is a very polarizing movie. A love it/hate it affair.

Sucker Punch's visual repertoire draws life from many references before it. You have your kung-Fu, sci-fi, steam-punk and manga to name a few. And quite frankly visuals are reason enough to see the movie. While not able to carry it from beginning to end (as I expect so many would assume) the range of the movie's distinct dreamscape offer most viewers a vantage point they may tend to avoid.

     Sucker Punch is a film about a great many things. While the movie is a dramatic charmer, at its nestled heart it tries to live up to its assumed action status. It never coasts directly on either. As such it can often be vexing to some, gratuitous to others as it deals with skimpy skirts and tons of (seemingly) nonsensical action/set pieces, or even an endearing tale of true conviction for freedom of the shackles of reality. Its not perfect. The acting is good but never steps out and the character development is low (but not necessary). But the visuals are spectacular. Easily on par or better then any Zack Snyder film to date. And if you let the story swim around in your head, you'll find it much more rewarding then what appears at first glance.
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4/5 Stars
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 Happy Independence day! And/or Happy Monday!

Not quite the message that I had hoped to delivery

When I awoke today I still had such a burning image of where I'd ****ed up. It was like a compulsion, a nagging pain that kept stabbing me in the chest. Never did it want me to forget.

But some time has passed. And I can't revel in its glorious misery any longer. I must somehow ignore it for the time being.

I did actually allow myself to pull a (insert well known someone here) and post something out of emotion. Yes I mostly felt what I'd posted last night (technically earlier this morning). Thankfully the depression that so heavily bore down upon me is not contagious and doesn't appear thus far to be fatal.

Bad joke, my bad. Anyways I know I had deliberately or lazily forgotten an update post about the percent of editing last week so here it is.

Ignoring the horrible week I've had (who could've seen me saying that) and a couple wasted days... I can say that I'm nearing seventy percent completion. Granted I am stumbling a little more then I thought I'd be. But after that whole spiel... Well that's par for the course my dear boy!

So yeah. That is pretty much it for these somewhat useless conjoined posts. I wanted to offer you so much more this week but well.... Let's not get into it.

Enjoy your fourth everyone (and to those who don't live in America, enjoy your weekend anyways) I'll be back more then likely as time permits over the vacation with something. Hopefully.

- Rossini

I've heard them say

"Write what you know"

I've always written with a bashful pride. Never fully exploring where I am, what I am doing, what I want or need to be doing. I'm just like a watch. My act keeps spinning around and around and around without deterrence. It is sad when you come to really think about it. How predictable tomorrow will be when I wake. How much anger I must clench between my teeth and sadness I must weep.

But that is what I've done to myself. Not to anyone else have I hurt so drastically as myself. What was I supposed to do I wonder? Should I have simply obeyed? Not misbehave? Could I really pull a trick and become how I act in both worlds?

Sadness and anger has been all I've ever used. A word that I may misconstrue. After all what was it that I suffered to feel so compelled to shell my outer walls so thoroughly.

I feel the ditch that I've dug closing around me. I'll claw for eternity. But now I've lost my hope. Something has died inside of me. Something I'd been born with. Something I can no longer cling to apparently.

I can't help but feel ashamed for my blinded stupidity. Its been years since its inception and yet now at its final growth I am deflated. Depressed that I'd failed to stop such lunacy in its tracks. This - I suppose - is what I've done. My faith may linger and collapse but I will continue on apparently. Even if I keep walking into a wall.

Tis my sad revelation that failure is so ever apparent when the sun is down. I need something to boost my spirits. Anything at this point will help. But I can't seem to find the will to wish for it. If wishes were to be trusted to begin with.

The saddest thing of all is that I simply don't know.

I can't honestly remember why I originally believed. My words now feel so hollow. So disgusting and wasteful. Its truly a wonder that my words ever meant anything. Interesting thing is to me, now, I feel lost without them. Like a cub whose mother was extracted for meat and fur. I can't help but question my everything.

And the answer that is delivered is ever so original.

Because I had been forsaken by a plight so foul that only a man's mind could create it. Failed so many things that I just wanted to crawl back beneath the covers for a few more hours. Perhaps so that in the day that I wake I will have been forgotten.